Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned...

...It has been a month since my last blog.

So much has gone on in the past month.  To pick up where I left off with my last blog, I finished the seizure study and got the results back.  I do not have epilepsy.  This is both a good thing, and a bad thing.  If it were epilepsy, I would have a solid answer and could just be given some medication to prevent my 'spells'.  However, since it's not; I am continuing to dig and find out what it could be.  It's now in the hands of my mental health providers.  She has upped my nerve medication, along with another drug, and is hoping for results.  So far, I've seen no change. 

D and I have been doing some research based off of what my mental health providers' early conclusion is: Pseudoseizures...aka PNES.  Basically, when I am overwhelmed with emotion or stress or any other of the triggers I have, I will have a pseudoseizure.  It presents just like a real seizure except the brain activity doesn't coincide with what an epileptic seizure would show.  I have begun keeping track of everything in a daily journal.  (Actually, I have 2 daily journals going...I'll talk about the other one in a moment.)  I am hoping that the daily journaling will help with letting go of some of the stress.

The other journal I have been keeping is my journey to Zen.  I have decided to begin following the path of Buddhism.  I have always thought that the Buddhist beliefs coincided with my personal set of beliefs and values...but I never considered myself to be one.  D and I did some talking and we agreed that this is where I need to be at this point in my life.  I have a constant craving for something bigger than myself to believe in.  Some sort of organized path that I can follow.  Fellowship with others who have similar beliefs as mine.  I am finding that in the research I have done about Buddhism.  Next weekend, D and I are going to (hopefully) attend a seminar about the Foundations of Zen.  We both feel like this is a good starting point.

Even the research we have done on PNES recommends turning toward Eastern methods.  Accupuncture, meditation...  These are supposed to help relieve some of the stress and therefore reduce the frequency and intensity of the spells.  I'm not putting all my eggs in the Zen Garden, though.  If these methods don't reduce the spells, I still plan on continuing with learning the path of Buddhism.  My soul needs it.



The other big news is that classes have started up again.  I have a really heavy schedule with loads of reading...but I'm happy with it.  I have been trying to keep ahead of schedule with my reading and writing and research.  This semester will finish up my minor in Women's Studies and also my requirements for language.  Next semester I'll move on to finishing up some of the 'oddball' requirements such as my Science and the coordinating Lab and my Jr/Sr Integrator.  I should be able to graduate in December of 2012.  After that, I'll be diving right into getting my Master's.  (Or, possibly going straight for my PhD...I'm not certain yet.)  There is a Grad School Expo on 9/21 that I'll be attending.  I'm hoping to get some great info there and maybe even find someone to speak with about my next move.  I do know for certain that I'll be continuing on at IUPUI and will be getting my next degree in Philanthropy.  I feel like that is really going to make me marketable with the Non-Profits and give me a greater selection so that I may choose who I want to work with. 

Thank you for hearing my confessions.  Amen.

Seizing The Day...

I'm sitting in my hospital room on day 3 of the 5 day stay.  I'm here for a seizure study to find out why I'm having 'spells' on a weekly basis.  3 days in and I have yet to have one...I'm beginning to wonder if I have imagined them for the past 4 years.  Although, I know I haven't.  Their frequency has increased (as well as the intensity) and, frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.  So, here I am.  Sitting here wishing for an episode and thinking entirely too much about the frailty of life. 

Everywhere I look, I'm reminded that this is a place where people come to combat illness and sometimes to get comfortable so they can move on to their next plane of existence.  It's hard to look around and see the equipment used to save a life or sometimes to just to ease the pain.  I've always disliked hospitals...perhaps this is why.  I've never delved into the 'why' of it...I just know I don't like being here. 

I'm sitting in a chair and every time I look to my left, I see the bed with all of it's buttons and pulleys and gadgets...many of them meant to assist the patient with their comfort.  One in particular that I keep looking at is a CPR pulley.  From what I understand, it immediately drops the bed so the nurse can perform CPR on the patient.  I don't know why I'm so utterly fascinated by this pulley.  I suppose it's because it represents the desire for preserving life.  One tug and someone you don't know (but cares about you nonetheless) will perform a potentially life-saving maneuver.  And, all it takes to get that someone into the room is a push of a button. 

***

Well, just as I was writing this, I had a seizure.  A small one, but it counts.  Afterward, I slept for about an hour or two.  That, compounded with the 1 hour of sleep last night and I feel miserable.  I've spent part of my day crying.  I did have a visitor this afternoon...it was nice to see her.  We had a lovely chat and she left so I could get some rest.  An hour and a half later, here I sit, writing.  It's not like I have not tried, I laid there for a bit...to no avail.  All I did was grumble and cry and roll around.  (As much as a person can with a head full of wires and an IV)  My breaking point was when I rolled onto the seizure alert button and the flood light came on and nurses came running.  I gave up. 

So, here I am.  I suppose I could go knit.  (I told myself I was going to finish my kerchief today.  I hate disappointing myself.  There is nothing worse.)  I guess I'll go work on it.  Maybe I can get it finished so I can remove this silly paper hat and put it on instead.  That gives me some gumption. 

Circus Acts...

The wedding is mere days away.  I'm juggling iteneraries and lists and budgets and phone calls and emails...all while keeping my sanity.  (It truly is impressive...I think I could join the circus.) 

Another big change is a-brewing.  D and I have decided it's time to move.  Monday, we go to see a townhouse.  It's a little smaller than where we are now.  (D says we live 'New York Chic' now so I'm curious what a smaller place would be considered in her eyes...)

School ended positively.  A's in Italian and Fiction...B in Grammar (shocking!), and a C in Finite.  I don't think I've ever been prouder of a C in my life.  I've been exchanging emails with an Italian woman who lives here in the city on a semi-regular basis to try and keep it fresh for me.  I'm also on the hunt for a walkman (yes...a walkman) to play tapes of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone while I read along-in Italian, of course.  After the wedding, I'm going to get myself a couple of Italian movies, too. 

I just finished reading Tom Rachman's 'The Imperfectionists'.  Great read...I'd suggest it to anyone who writes or knows a writer.  Whether or not they are into journalism makes no difference...they will appreciate it.  Currently I'm about to begin chapter 6 of Sara Gruen's 'Water For Elephants'.  *swoon*  I'm absolutely in love with this book and am currently struggling to put it down.  I give myself about an hour or so in the afternoon to read and I have been cheating and reading a lil longer!  (shhh...)  'WFE' is about a kid who sort of accidentally joins the circus back in the 1930s.  If you know me...you know my love, appreciation, and awe I have for circuses and for that time period.  (I've never told anyone this but I think I was a circus performer in a former life.  Probably involving elephants and satin and sequins...)

On that note, I'll end this post because it's time to go make dinner for my honey.  I promise there will be more to come, though.  I'm going to try to post at least once more before the wedding.  We'll see if I can pull it off... 

A Little Update For My Adoring Fans...

Ok.  So, it's way past time for an update.  Things are going swimmingly as far as the wedding goes.  I'm setting up appointments for test runs on my hair and makeup, I've found us a dj, and we've got the invites out.  The dress is purchased and I'm working on the little touches like a garter made by Trish (yay!) and some thigh high backseam stockings and a garter belt.  (Too much info...?) 

School is going.  That's about all.  I'm having trouble with Finite and Grammar.  Why did I take them together in the same semester...?  Someone put me out of my misery!  At least the A's in Italian and Creative Writing will bring up my poor lil GPA.  Planning on taking summer session II courses if the government will pass Pell grants.  Still waiting for word on that.  At least I have plenty of time before those classes begin.

Spring is upon us!  Primavera!  Huzzah for the blooming trees and the pretty little robins who sing to me when I leave the house.  It's time to break out the spring and summer wardrobe.  Cute dresses, bare arms, and flip-flops.  I've been going to school sans coat for about a week or so now.  It's kinda chilly in the morning and at night, but the in between is loverly!

I've been writing a lot lately...which I'm sure, dear reader, you think is odd since I haven't been updating my blog.  Short stories...some flash fiction.  Considering entering a contest on WOW! this spring.  I need to polish up a short piece and send it in with my entry fee.  This summer I'm sure I'll be posting a lot more to the blog.  Probably even some stories.  I wrote a (prepare for horn tooting) really good story for my Creative Writing course that I would love to enter into a contest or two.  The professor loved it...and I feel really proud of it.  I'm going to do some revision work on it and get it a little more detailed in a few spots and turn it back in for my final project.


Well, that is about all for now.  Almost time for class...ciao ciao e molti baci!

Wedding Update...

We have officially signed the contract, paid the deposit, and mailed it to the hotel.  I am getting scared.  I feel like there is this big looming red circle on June 18th and I'm trying to slow down time.

I'm not scared of getting married.  I can't wait to be her wife.  It is the planning.  I'm in school full-time and I'm one of the creators and part of the leadership team for the soon-to-be-debuted IUPUI newspaper.  I'm working my tail off at school and at home to try and pass Finite and Grammar (why in the HELL did I take them in the same semester?!?) as well as attending meetings and functions for the newspaper and trying to find some sort of internship for the summer (preferably PAID...but I'll take anything part-time to get me into the field and make some connections). I have a LOT on my plate.

Now, dear readers, I don't want to give the impression that I'm alone in this planning thing.  D is fully invested, as are the better part of the wedding party.  It just seems that none of us have had the time to get together and really plan things out.  There is so much to do and it feels really overwhelming.  I know it's going to come together in the end.  I'm certain of that.  It's just the trip to that end that I'm dealing with currently.

I feel utterly blessed that I have the support system that I've got in D.  She gets it.  She gets me.  She knows that I'm stressing out and sometimes I feel bad that there is really nothing she can do to help me except for bringing me out of that crazy-ass spiral that I tend to go into when I start fretting about the wedding.

Spring break is looming.  I have 4 classes until I'm out for 10 whole days.  I'm hoping to do some planning while I'm off.  Months ago I bought a wedding magazine that I have yet to look at.  However, I have a ton of things to deal with for the newspaper while I'm off because our first issue comes out at the end of April.

Wow.  I feel a little lighter after getting all of that off my shoulders.  It is going to be okay.  D and I are getting married.  That is the thing that matters.  The day we get to profess our love and promises to each other and our loved ones.  We will have a beautiful wedding because it is OURS.

Bring On The Illiterate Queers...

I'm thinking hard about my possibilities for the summer...Non-Profit Career Expo at school on Thursday.  What a fantastic way to get my foot in the door...but, am I ready to get into the workforce after everything that happened the last time?  Plus, planning a wedding for the middle of June means I wouldn't be able to start working with a Non-Prof until after that.  Which is the last week of June. 

I know I couldn't continue working there throughout the year because of school and The Campus Citizen.  Those are two things I'm not willing to slack off on to keep working. The newspaper will be majorly taking off and printing 2ce a month.  As an Editor, I really need to concentrate on that and school.  The newspaper will be a definite positive mark on my writer's resume...but I'm not going into journalism.  I'm going into grant writing and philanthropy.

I seriously wonder if I'm even marketable.  There are going to be representatives from Indy Reads and Indiana Youth Group.  Both are places that would suit me well.  Indy Reads is a literacy program for Indianapolis and the IYG is a group dedicated to helping GLBTQIA teenagers. 

If I had a choice...it would be the IYG.  With everything I went through as a teenager, I truly think I have something to offer these kids.  But, I also have a passion for literacy.  My grandmother instilled that love of books and words in me and I'd love to do something with it to honor her memory.  If only I could combine them!  Where are the queer teens who can't read?  I'd be perfect for them...

A Writing Experiment...

I had to do an experimental dialogue in no more than 10 minutes for my creative writing class.  Here is what I came up with:

She walked by him, giving him nary a glance; or so he thought.  He realized a moment later that she must have noticed him when she spoke up.  “Your cologne,” she said, “It reminds me of my youth.”

He turned then and saw her.  He had assumed by the quick glance in her direction and her soft voice that she would be young.  Perhaps even beautiful.  She was neither.  The woman before him was probably in her late 60’s and had teeth that were gapped and gnarled.  Her hair was stringy and a dingy blonde color.  He knew he needed to be polite.  She was probably some poor old woman who was touched.  “I’m sorry, what did you say?”  He asked.

“You smell of youth and vigor.  Your scent takes me back to the days of my childhood.  Playing on the floor at my Papa’s feet, watching him while he hummed at the newspaper in his hands.  You smell like my Papa.”  There were tears in her eyes.  She moved closer, then.  “Who are you?  Why did you dare to take me back to the days of my childhood?”

He was startled.  “I’m sorry, ma’am.  I don’t think I know you.  I should really be going, I’m late for an appointment.”  It was his standard excuse for getting out of something he never wanted to be in in the first place. 

“Stop!  You owe me an explanation, lad!”  Her eyes flashed wildly now.  “You need to tell me what you were thinking!  Why would you do such a thing to a poor old woman like myself?  Why would you tear me out of my reality and drop me back at the feet of my father?”  She looked at him like an animal would right before attacking.  She was standing straighter, more animated. 

“Ma’am, I really must be going.  You are mistaken.”  Before the words were even out of his mouth, she had latched onto his arm.  Gripping it tightly.  “Ma’am, please, you really must let go of me.  I need to be on my way.”  He was getting scared now.  The more he pleaded with her to let him go, the tighter she clung. 

“You’ll go nowhere until I’m through with you!”  She shouted.  “Do you think this is some kind of game?”  Her eyes were wide open and her pupils were black.

Where should it go from here?  I want input and ideas from my readers...and then I'll continue to build upon it slowly until I have a completed story.  I think it will be fun to take your suggestions and turn it into something more than just a few exchanges of dialogue between characters.  

Sappy Love Shit...

June 18th is coming faster than I expected it would.  D and I will be signing our contract with the JW Marriott by next week.  We will be putting our deposit down.  This is serious and official.  I. AM. GETTING. MARRIED. 

What a mind trip.  With my track record with women, I didn't really expect to ever find the right one and settle down with her.  However, now that I am, nothing has ever felt so right.  D is the one.  Without question. 

I had no idea that day we first met in the Paradise Cafe that my life was about to change forever.  I can remember sitting in the booth watching her walk towards me like it was yesterday.  Who knew that all these years later I'd be mere months away from walking down that aisle towards her in front of our closest friends and family.  

A Fun Assignment…

I have to write a half page using 1 syllable words and short sentences to describe something memorable. Here is what I've got...

"Will you marry me?" she asked. Yes. Of course! Why would I not? I love you. So much. We should marry in June. Warm, but not hot. I will ask the ones I love to be there. So will you. So happy! Beth will stand up with me. So will A and Trish. Joe and Jaim will be with you. Plans to make. It will be just right. I am yours now. But, wait and I will be yours ever more. We will have a grand life. Just the two of us. The ring fits just right. You are a part of me now. Just us. We shall share all we have. Yours is mine, mine is yours. A life as one.

Bring On The Balloons...

I've just finished devouring my 3rd piece of leftover pizza and I'm sucking Diet Coke out of the 2 ltr. bottle.  I'm slamming things around and beating at the keyboard with my fingertips while tears stream down my face.  This is not my proudest moment. 

Before D left for work, I said some pretty shitty things and was promptly told that I had an ugly attitude.  The longer I sit here and think about it...the more I agree with her.  Now, dear reader, this is not an "all-the-time" thing.  I don't go around saying nasty things...but when I'm in a foul mood (for whatever reason) I've been known to pop off at the mouth with some mean shit. 

I have to ask, though, am I the ONLY one who does this?!?  Surely not.  Everyone probably has an ugly side that they let out on occasion, right??  Right?!? 

Anyway...I now have two choices.  I can follow along in the same vein and be nasty and mean and ugly all day.  Or, I can recognize this for what it is...and move along; refusing to allow it to color my day. 

*Sigh*  I don't feel ready to make that choice.  I feel like I need some more time to be whatever it is that I'm being, just on a smaller scale.  So, I'm choosing Option C.  I'm going to eat a lil chocolate while crying the rest of this ugliness out.  Take a shower.  Put on my best face, and go do a couple errands. 

So now, gentle reader, if you'll excuse me I need to go throw myself a pity party.