Getting Freaky In Front Of Jesus...

It’s a quarter after noon and I’m doped up on caffeine and Klonopin. I’m freaking the fuck out because I feel like I’ve wasted my break. It’s only Thursday. I still have time. But, I feel like it has to all be done today. A chapter to read in Women’s Studies and a 2 pg journal about it to write, a chapter I don’t want to read for Biology, at least 5 journals and a reflective piece that I have no clue how to write for my journaling class. Fuck. Take another drink of coffee. Try to focus and write this damned entry. Try to make it worthwhile enough to be used for my journal. Write a little, swig the coffee.

I’ve got lyrics in my head that have nothing to do with anything but they run like a broken record in my brain. Maybe I should open the window to listen to the rushing cars as they zoom down College. It’s as close to nature as I get living in the city. Cars hurrying past and mimicking the sound of a river.

I turn on my mp3 player on the laptop, search for the song that won’t end, and play it. “Come on people now, smile on your brother. Try to love one another right now…” There. I can ease up a little. I stretch, reaching to the ceiling for a moment before slumping back over the keyboard.

A noise outside the door makes me turn my head. I catch a glimpse of D’s newly acquired Black Velvet Jesus Paint By Number…unpainted. In great condition, too. She’s excited to paint it and frame it. Where it’s going to go, I have not a clue. Hopefully not in the boudoir, I don’t want Jesus watching me get freaky.

A Big Dose of Vitamin "D"...

i live a pretty interesting life...but yesterday topped out pretty high on the interesting scale. d and i were doing our usual wednesday gig...lots of running around doing errands. we caught an eyeful (think drag queen and posse)...and an earful (thanks to the little gay boy at mc donald's) during our travels.

it started out with our diabetes education class in southport...we were late (as usual) because we weren't paying attention to the time. class starts promptly at 1:30...we rolled in about 10 mins til 2. (not a seat was left...no table...we had to sit in chairs in the back and write on our laps) oh well...at least the class "diabetic overachiever" (he always monopolizes the instructor's time after class is over and we never get the chance to ask questions) came in after us. he sports a goatee-type thing that runs all the way down his stomach. he binds it with little rubber bands to seperate it into sections...much like you'd see in the intestines with the sphincters that cause peristalsis. (at least that is what it looked like to me. i'm currently taking biology and our last chapter just dealt with the digestive system. what i don't get, though, is how i nearly failed my midterm, yet i know all about sphincters...how queer)

so, 3:30 comes around and we leave our class with a little more knowledge than we had originally. on our way home, we drive through homecroft. we spot a golf cart fully decked out with colts attire and two young guys waiting on a side street to pull out into traffic. we are mildly entertained at the sight and laugh about it in the car.

we are now homeward bound. just as we're pulling up to our apartment building on college ave, we...no lie...spot a modern day cowboy, on a white horse, galloping full-speed down college towards downtown. what. the. fuck. he was fully decked out in cowboy attire...ten-gallon hat, included. once again...what...the...fuck?!

after running by the house, we headed back out to do our weekly shopping. first, though, we drive-thru the mcd's on the corner of meridian and 16th. we are serviced by a friendly lil fagboy who informs us that although he has to be indoors all day, at least he is getting a good dose of vitamin d through the window...which, according to him..."vitamin "d" is the only vitamin i don't mind taking". wow...i really feel like i know a lil too much about you, dude.

next, we run by d's brother's apartment. upon leaving, we spot children out in droves. i literally mean between 40-50 of them just milling around the parking lot. it was like driving through a herd of sheep. d had to keep beeping the horn so they would part and let us through. this may not sound as exciting as the urban cowboy or vitamin d boy...but have you ever seen a herd of small children? it's scary. they are like clowns to us. *shudders*

so, after leaving joe's apartment, we are driving down lynhurst and lo and behold...there is another golf cart! this time, it's parked by the side of the road and two old men are drinking coffee and watching traffic go by. i really doubt they had any intention of pulling out onto the road. they were just enjoying the day...in a golf cart...on the side of the road.

finally, we've made it to wal-mart. i get my eyebrows threaded and then we have dinner at subway. if you don't know d, you don't know how much she enjoys people watching. our wal-mart always has interesting characters to watch. (i especially like titi the cashier-phonetically that is teetee-and the cashier who wears a wig) on this day...we were blessed with the presence of an over-the-top drag queen and her entourage of gayboys. she was wearing...what appeared to be...an argyle sock with the toe cut off on her right arm and a leather glove on her left hand. she was also wearing sunglasses, even though it was 8p.

sensory overload.

The Sum of My Parts...

I struggle to find words to describe me. I have thoughts and opinions that I express with words far too big for my mouth, but when it comes down to me…I have nothing to say. What do I want? I want to find a peace and sense of self worth. I crave a higher being. I crave spirituality. I crave prayer that I feel gets heard. Who am I, and why is it so hard to answer that question? I am. Is it enough to just be?

Who do you think I am? As much as I would love to say that I ignore what others think of me…in truth, it makes up who I am. What others say or think of me validates who I am. Perhaps it even makes up the sum of me. If I could ignore what others thought or said, would I even exist? Would I become a shell of me? So, instead of me telling you who I am…tell me who you think I am. Tell me what you think of me…and that is who I will become.

Taco Salad Night...

Rain patters on the windowsill. I peek out the blinds just in time to catch a glimpse of a bright streak of lightening across the dark sky. I clinch my teeth and duck my head as the loud clap of thunder follows the lightening strike. I feel foolish for having this knee-jerk reaction. So silly. It’s just a spring storm. It popped up suddenly and I’m sure it will end just as quickly. The droplets of water make little puddles in the craters of the asphalt. I watch intently as the oversized drops plop against the ground. “I hate mud,” I grumble softly to myself. What a silly statement. How can you hate something so commonplace as mud? I do, though.

The rain begins tapering off just as quickly as it began. The sound of thunder has been replaced by the clatter of pots and pans. I rise from my spot on the couch and wander into the kitchen to find my partner beginning dinner. Taco salad night. I move to her side silently and she turns her face to offer her cheek to me. I lean in and kiss it lightly; brushing my lips against her soft skin. “Storm’s over,” I mumble around the piece of tomato I’ve just popped into my mouth.

“That was quick.” She continues fussing with the meat, stirring it to break it into crumbles. I survey the kitchen. The counter is covered in little piles of vegetables; tomatoes, lettuce, onions, bell peppers. I smile to myself. Her organization always amuses me. A place for everything and everything in its place. Even the vegetables aren’t immune to her need to arrange things so they are aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

My ears prick up at the sound of a distant rumble. The storm has moved on but it’s left the thunder trailing behind. “Can I help?” I reach for a pepper this time and her hand darts out quickly. She lightly bats me away from the perfect little piles she’s worked so hard on. I pout and draw my hand back, pretending to be hurt by her playful admonishment.

“You can help by leaving the veggies be and getting down some plates. The meat is almost ready.” I’ve knocked one of the peppers out of place. She’s rearranging the pepper pile as the words fall out of her pretty mouth. I can’t help but laugh a little. It bubbles up and comes out as a short “Ha!” She gives me “the look” and I bite back my laughter. I hide my smile behind the open cabinet door while I’m reaching for the plates.

I set them down carefully on the counter. She’s so picky about the dishes. They were her great aunt’s. I wonder, sometimes, if she loves me as much as those dishes. “Dinner looks great, babe.” My stomach rumbles hungrily while I watch her begin making our plates. Careful piles of lettuce topped with meat, cheese, veggies. Her graceful hands work quickly and before I know it, the salads are ready. I drizzle just a little taco sauce over mine and hand the bottle to her. Our fingers brush.

I feel the electricity between us. Ever present, even after all these years together. I glance up at her. She’s watching me. I smile broadly and give her a wink. She blushes and giggles girlishly. That giggle. I call her Betty Rubble sometimes. She pretends not to like it, but I know better. It’s just another part of our dance.

Rearranging Letters...

i’m a writer.  say it out loud.  say it twice if you think it’ll make it stick.  i’m sitting at my desk in my office in what used to be the dining area (i’ve set up a screen to separate it from the living room) and i’m pounding loudly on the keyboard.  i’m angry.  i’m scared.  the words won’t come out and i’ve got a deadline to meet.  i can’t force them, that just makes it worse.  i take a deep breath and count to 5.  i stand and stretch…reaching towards the ceiling and arching my back.  “i’m a writer.”  say it louder.  “I’M A WRITER!”  that’s better.  i sit back down and begin to type again.  a little softer, not beating the keys into submission, just letting the words flow.  i look up at the photos of my life decorating my desk and think about all the wasted time in the last 30 years that i could have been doing what i love.  but i wasn’t.  i was playing games.  just teasing the surface of what needed to be said.  i know those years were wasted.  i’m fighting to make up for lost time now.  this thought makes me angry and i begin beating at the keys once again. 

it’s time to stop for the night.  i don’t want to wrap it up but it’s gotten late and d’s already in bed.  she kissed my forehead hours ago and told me not to be too long.  here i sit, hours later, still typing.  nonsense and gobbledygook.  damn.  i want this to be good.  i want THIS piece to be the one.  the one that i get brave enough to submit to an anthology or a magazine and not just some website.  i feel like crying.  i want to bang the keys.  i want to pop them off and rearrange the letters.

The Carnival Was Ringing Loudly Now...

the decemberists -- here i dreamt i was an architect



And here I dreamt I was a soldier
And I marched the streets of Birkenau
And I recall in spring
The perfume that the air would bring
To the indolent town
Where the barkers call the moon down
The carnival was ringing loudly now
And just to lay with you
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
Save lay my rifle down

And try one, and try two
Guess it always comes down to
All right, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect
And I built this balustrade
To keep you home, to keep you safe
From the outside world
But the angles and the corners
Even though my work is unparalleled
They never seemed to meet
This structure fell about our feet
And we were free to go

And try one, and try two
Guess it always comes down to
All right, okay, guess it's better to turn this way

And here in Spain I am a Spaniard
I will be buried with my marionettes
Countess and courtesan
Have fallen 'neath my tender hand
When their husbands were not around
But you, my soiled teenage girlfriend
And how you are furrowed like a lioness
And we are vagabonds
We travel without seatbelts on
We live this close to death

And try one, and try two
Guess it always comes down to
All right, okay, guess it's better to turn this
But I won, so you lose
Guess it always comes down to
Alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

Bittersweet Birthday...

my birthday has come and gone.  i'm officially in the 3rd decade of my life.  it feels funny to know i'm 30 because i feel so much younger.  i could pass for 25 (i think so, anyway) in the looks department.  i feel like i'm 20.  that probably has something to do with being in college, though.  anyway...so i thought perhaps my dear readers (all 3 of you!) would like to see photos of my birthday cake.  my sister baked me a giant cupcake and i ate it just like one would eat a giant cupcake...i bit right into it!  (as i'm sure any of you would!) 

i spent my birthday crying on and off.  i miss my grandma.  i miss my folks and sister.  i miss my grandpa.  my gramps called me, but he forgot how old i was...which brought tears.  neither him nor his wife knew i was turning 30 and they forgot to send my card until the day of.  (am i being a big baby...?)  i got to see my folks and sister just before christmas and saw my mom (just for a few minutes...she was busy at work) and picked up my gifts a couple days ago.  they spoiled me...as usual! 


i spent my actual birthday with denise and shaylin.  d took us out to on the border for lunch and then we went goodwill shopping together.  shay told the waiter it was my birthday and all the servers came over to sing and clap for me.  she got a kick out of it so i put up with it.  after we left for the evening, we headed home to get gussied up for dinner (i had a new outfit to wear, of course...lol).  d took me to amici's.  we'd never been before...it was really good!  i love italian food and this place tasted pretty authentic.  it was kinda tiny inside.  we sat at a table by the window.  i had a seafood penne in this pink sauce with capers in it.  there were shrimp and the biggest scallops in it that i've ever eaten!  it was very good.  it came with fresh bread and a salad (everytime i say that word i can hear spongebob pronouncing it as sal-add) with a balsamic vinaigrette dressing.  we shared some eggplant parmigiana as an appetizer and for dessert we shared a slice of almond torte and some gelato.  needless to say, we brought home big boxes of leftovers! all in all, it was a good birthday.

tonight is new year's eve.  i think d and i are going to spend it alone, on the couch.  we have to go to the store today to pick up some groceries for this weekend and i think i'll get some stuff to make a dinner of hors d'oeuvres for the 2 of us.  friday night serenity and leeann are coming over and we're all going to try to go to dave and buster's again.  last time we ended up hanging around the apartment, instead.  to prevent that from happening again, leeann and i decided that it was best to just meet them downstairs and get right into the car!  they are planning on spending the night with us and saturday morning i'm getting up and making us all biscuits and gravy, pancakes, and eggs.  (all by request...b's and g's for leeann, eggs for serenity, and pancakes for d)  saturday evening, d and i have dinner plans with jaimie (d's best friend from high school) and sunday i'm meeting april for a late lunch.  needless to say...my dance card is full this weekend.

Barbie The Cracked-Out Drag Queen...

it's drag queen barbie!  she comes complete with velvet catsuit a la asia la bouche!

And The Survey Says...

yesterday was my job orientation/interview for the survey research center on campus...and i nailed it. my new boss, stephanie, offered me the position and i gladly accepted. at least 10hrs a week at $9/hr will be a nice little piece of pocket change! i'm anticipating about $250/month after taxes come out. not bad for an on campus position.

i have received my grades for a couple of classes. i got an A in my writing class. he really enjoyed my final project, according to the email he sent me. i also received an A in my mythology class. these were, by far, my 2 most enjoyable classes and i think my grades reflect that. the jury is still out on my logic and history grades. probably Bish in history...and not a clue how i did in logic. i was sitting at a B but i do not feel good about that final i took. i guess i'll find out soon enough...

Some Are Melodies, Some Are The Beat...

youth group -- forever young

Let's dance in style let's dance for a while,
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies,
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst,
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die on let us live forever,
Don't have the power but we never say never,
Sitting in the sandpit life is a short trip,
Music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is run,
Turning up our faces into the sun,
Praising our leaders getting in tune,
Music's played by the mad man

Forever young, I want to be forever young,
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever forever,
Forever young, I want to be forever young,
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever

Some are like water Some are like the heat,
Some are melodies Some are the beat,
Sooner or later they'll all be gone,
Why don't they stay on?
It's hard to get without a cause,
I don't want to perish like a fading voice,
Youth is like diamonds in the sun,
And diamonds are forever,
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue,
Let them come true
Forever young I want to be forever young,
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever
Forever young, I want to be forever young,
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever
Forever young, I want to be forever young,
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever...