Seizing The Day...

I'm sitting in my hospital room on day 3 of the 5 day stay.  I'm here for a seizure study to find out why I'm having 'spells' on a weekly basis.  3 days in and I have yet to have one...I'm beginning to wonder if I have imagined them for the past 4 years.  Although, I know I haven't.  Their frequency has increased (as well as the intensity) and, frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.  So, here I am.  Sitting here wishing for an episode and thinking entirely too much about the frailty of life. 

Everywhere I look, I'm reminded that this is a place where people come to combat illness and sometimes to get comfortable so they can move on to their next plane of existence.  It's hard to look around and see the equipment used to save a life or sometimes to just to ease the pain.  I've always disliked hospitals...perhaps this is why.  I've never delved into the 'why' of it...I just know I don't like being here. 

I'm sitting in a chair and every time I look to my left, I see the bed with all of it's buttons and pulleys and gadgets...many of them meant to assist the patient with their comfort.  One in particular that I keep looking at is a CPR pulley.  From what I understand, it immediately drops the bed so the nurse can perform CPR on the patient.  I don't know why I'm so utterly fascinated by this pulley.  I suppose it's because it represents the desire for preserving life.  One tug and someone you don't know (but cares about you nonetheless) will perform a potentially life-saving maneuver.  And, all it takes to get that someone into the room is a push of a button. 

***

Well, just as I was writing this, I had a seizure.  A small one, but it counts.  Afterward, I slept for about an hour or two.  That, compounded with the 1 hour of sleep last night and I feel miserable.  I've spent part of my day crying.  I did have a visitor this afternoon...it was nice to see her.  We had a lovely chat and she left so I could get some rest.  An hour and a half later, here I sit, writing.  It's not like I have not tried, I laid there for a bit...to no avail.  All I did was grumble and cry and roll around.  (As much as a person can with a head full of wires and an IV)  My breaking point was when I rolled onto the seizure alert button and the flood light came on and nurses came running.  I gave up. 

So, here I am.  I suppose I could go knit.  (I told myself I was going to finish my kerchief today.  I hate disappointing myself.  There is nothing worse.)  I guess I'll go work on it.  Maybe I can get it finished so I can remove this silly paper hat and put it on instead.  That gives me some gumption.